Love, Loss and Living and Grieving on the first Angel Day
One year ago, today, the unthinkable happened. My precious granddaughter, Sarah, passed away after a brave battle with myocarditis. Not only did her death send a ripple of shock and grief through our family, that ripple reached beyond what anyone could imagine. She touched the hearts and lives of so many people in our community, and the world at large.
Prayers from family, friends and strangers from around the globe enveloped her and our entire family.
I have been on the verge of tears all day, but they are stuck. Maybe the anger of such an unjust situation. Maybe the fear of never being able to stop crying. Maybe because it is a beautiful and bright sunny day, and last year at this time it was cloudy and snowy.
I don’t know. Grief sucks.
I know that she is forever with me, because a day doesn’t go by when I don’t see her. Clouds, leaves, water drops – you name it – form hearts.
This morning was no different.
It was a pretty day in January when she was born, with snow falling off and on. It snowed the day she died.
It snowed on Mother’s Day, which clearly was a sign that she was around. In all my life, I never remember snow on Mother’s Day.
I tried to think of something to do, this Angel Day. And other than a few errands, and writing, I can’t think of anything else. I can’t concentrate on bills or chores. I need to go to the grocery store, but I don’t have the mental energy. Holiday decorations are up, and I just can’t fake the holiday cheer required to make it through the aisles.
My self-care includes being outside, and while it is pretty cold, I’ve paced the sidewalk several times today, absorbing the sunshine and fresh air that always help to center me. Seeking to see what message Sarah has sent.
She never disappoints.
Sipping my cappuccino as I paced with a smoke (don’t judge me!), I looked over the fence into my yard. A memory came over me, as it was the spot I remember sitting with Sarah when she was a baby. It was a beautiful spring evening, and she was having the time of her life, as a happy, happy baby. She spun around and around and around in her exer-saucer as our dog barked up and down the fence, keeping her safe. I remember just sitting a looking at her in awe, wishing I had half of her energy.
While reminiscing and pacing, I looked at the area where we shared many great times as she grew. She and her sister caught fireflies there, held our new pup, Remi, there. Kicked a soccer ball there. Blew bubbles there.
And this morning, in that same spot where we shared so many memories, under my favorite maple, Sarah appeared. The snow – which she loved – has started to melt. And in the glistening of the sun, there was the shape of a heart. And a few feet away, an angel.
On this Angel Day, as I mourn the loss of a soul taken way too early; on this day that will always be a day of “whys;” on this day of something that will never, ever make sense to me, I will look for my angel. And I will cry. And I will ache. And I will long for her. And I know that while I can’t see her, or hug her, I can feel that she is by me. Every day.
I love you, Boo.
Love, Mema xo